Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Things They Don't Teach You

Vet school is a 4-year information blitz at 100 mph from all directions.  A lot of it just sticks long enough to pass the test, some of it sticks forever (although that usually applies to useless knowledge), and the rest of it you remember it as you need to.  Unfortunately none of those things are as important as the things they don't teach you.  Such as:  
  • How to explain that all the money in the world can't fix a horse's broken leg if the horse can't walk to the trailer
  • How to explain there isn't going to be anything wrong with a 12 year old goat that can be easily fixed
  • How to convince someone that the horse that has been itching for 2 weeks can wait until morning
  • How to tell someone that you have absolutely no idea why their favorite steer kicks at their daughter
  • How to restrain yourself from cursing like an R-rated movie when an animal causes you bodily harm
  • How necessary an FM transmitter for your iPod is, because if you hear Carrie Underwood make that screeching sound at the end of a song one more time...
  • How important it is to keep your GPS maps up-to-date
  • How useful traffic reports can be
  • How to fill out federal forms that haven't changed in 50 years to the satisfaction of a veterinarian that wouldn't know a cow if it ran over them carrying a sign saying, "Hey, I'm a cow."
There are others, but now you have an idea of what I'm up against everyday.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Little Victories

Finding a gas station that doesn't have an "authorization limit" on credit card purchase.

Freddie 4-Her with the crazy steers obtaining a head chute.

Finding a granola bar hidden under some coveralls on the day you forgot your lunch.

Going to see a mare with a retained placenta and watching it release(intact) as you park the truck.

Truck trolls releasing all the pens they have stolen before you go buy a new pack.

Not having to trim alpaca nails because the shearer will be there next week.

Sick exotic that you couldn't even identify, much less successfully treat, dying before you get there.

Manicure holding up through at least one day of work.

DA surgery patients being pregnant at the next herd check.

Not having to work on my day off.

Friday, May 3, 2013

A Vision in Slime

No doubt about it: being a vet attracts attention.  For the newly initiated you might assume it has something to do with the truck.  Or the coveralls/scrubs.  Or people reliving their childhood dream of being a vet and being jealous that you actually are one.  And those reason are just adorable.  Feel free to keep thinking them, but stop reading now. 

Here are some examples of why people at the gas station are actually staring at you.
  • Shirt on inside out or backwards (Because you ran out the door at 5 a.m.)
  • Ripped clothing (Hey, at least you didn't get hurt!)
  • Stink bug crawling on your shoulder (Sneaky bastards...)
  • Large mystery bruise (That you probably don't even know is there yet.)
  • Jeans soaked with various dried bodily fluids (Don't worry, most of those stains wash out.)
  • Trying to locate the weird smell (It's you - own it!)
  • Placenta stuck to your boot (You'll figure that one out when it migrates down to the sole and makes you fall.)
  • Alpaca or llama spit on the back of your neck (Looks like dried grass... but with the smell.)
  • Blood spatter on your face (Probably from dehorning calves.)
  • Dingle-berry in part of your ponytail (Someone's been doing a herd check!)
  • Manure in your ear (Palpating... calvings... just being awake and on a farm...)